Flying the Devil's Chariot
Being an Alaskan pretty much means that any time I wanted to go down to the “Lower 48”, I had to board an airplane. I started flying at a very young age, by age three I was going to visit my grandmother in Maine.
No, obviously not by myself, I’m not THAT much of a nut job.
Only a few of the major airlines fly out of Anchorage, so there are still some airlines I have still yet to fly, but the ones I have flown have left me with quite an impression. Now I won’t use their actual names because it’s WAAAY more fun to refer to them by the names I think they deserve and because I’m terrified that if I ever fly one of the airlines I dislike, they’ll somehow make my flight even more miserable.
Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings is my favorite airline by far. Not only do I have a credit card linked to their SkyMiles account, (oh, I’m actually not spending money because I get it all back in airline miles) but I will always try their website first to find flights. Their customer service is superb, their planes are clean and their app updates like a MOFO.
Seriously, the flight is delayed by like one minute and you get a notification saying it’s been delayed, and that they're sorry and will happily show you other flight options. I’m like “Nah Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings, you so sweet. You care about my feelings, I’m so touched. My boyfriend doesn’t even care this much (jk he totally does). I’m going to stay with you, I don’t care how long this flight is delayed, (another bold faced lie) you’re the only one for me.”
That’s true love right? Sticking with someone even when they might do you wrong?
Well I have true love for Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings.
And snacks, they always have great snacks. Especially if your flight gets delayed. They wheel out a little magical cart with snacks and games to pass the time and help you eat your feelings!
This past Christmas I was flying out of Maine to NYC and it was getting snowy. Winter was coming. BTW you can thank my friend Matt for my new obsession with Game of Thrones because I’m sure it’ll come out more in my writing.
Anyway, winter was coming and Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings realized that they were a little heavy. I mean, what can you expect after a major holiday. I get you Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings, I completely feel ya. So, Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings had to do some quick yoga and in the process get rid of some baggage, it seems that extra weight was due to some personal issues over the holiday. So they asked for volunteers to switch flights and receive a $500 travel credit for anywhere Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings flies. Are you surprised I’d jump on that train? Or rather off that plane? I think we’ve established that I’ll do anything for my beloved Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings.
So I lovingly headed up to the counter and told the gate agent that I would be more than happy to switch flights and accept that $500 travel credit. Now, I had to be in NYC the next day because of anniversary celebrations with my boyfriend, but Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings made that work! Since there weren’t any flights out of that airport that day they told me they could get me on a flight out of Boston that evening. But not only that, they would PAY someone to drive me the twoish hours from Portland to Boston.
Yeah, Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings treats me right.
With my waivers and new plane ticket, I hopped on down to ground transportation and flashed my ticket to get a ride in my private taxi.
Well then winter came. It came all over the friggin road with white shit EVERYWHERE. Mr. Taximan had to put on his flashers and was driving about 30 MPH. I thought that this was how I was going to leave this world. This was what I got for being lead blindly by love (well in this case it was mostly the love for the $500 travel voucher anywhere Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings graces with its presence.)
Mr. Taximan successfully got us out of the snowy apocalypse and then a new terror hit me…. what if Mr. Taximan didn’t accept my waiver. Sure, when I started to tell him I had a ground transportation waiver by Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings he cut me off and started loading my bags. But what if he didn’t really listen to me and wouldn’t accept it, and I had to pay for it, and he only took cash, and I don’t have any cash, and then he won’t let me leave, and then he calls the police and then I miss my flight and then I miss my anniversary celebration, and then my boyfriend breaks up with me and then my life spirals in to a downfall…..
I’m neurotic. Do you get what my mind goes through? I know, it sucks to be so creative, and talented and smart….
Someone just slap me already.
To finish out my saga, I made it safely to Boston, and caught my on time flight to NYC, where I happily celebrated my 3 year anniversary with my boyfriend. My life has not spiraled into a great abyss and I have not been arrested…yet.
And of course, I’m still madly in love with Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings.
Now, the Devil’s Chariot. That airline deserves it’s name. It’s going to put you straight on a oneway flight right to hell. That’s the only thing it’ll be on time for.
I don’t even think they deserve to have their name capitalized, but I’m a grammar nut, (who will still probably make a few typos, sheesh, let me live) so I’m going to capitalize their name… for now.
When I would fly the Devil’s Chariot as my last leg in my 12+ hour Alaska to Maine flight, I swear to ALL THINGS THAT ARE HOLY, the plane was MORE THAN ONCE, held together by duct tape. It was just the interior paneling, but I don’t use duct tape for my interior decorating. I’m not THAT Alaskan. And there was a fly buzzing around the cabin, Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings NEVER has flies.
One time the Devil’s Chariot cancelled my flight and didn’t even tell me! No email, no call, NOTHING. I found out only because my mom happened to call to check on the flight time since I was coming to meet her in Maine (no, Maine isn’t the ONLY place I go). She was able to rebook me onto a flight but they were still a-holes about it.
If I had a dollar every time I had a delayed flight by the Devil’s Chariot, do you know how many dollars I’d have?!?!
I think they had the main generator in their aircraft go out mid flight so we were running on the back-up one AND there was an issue with the landing gear. I only say I think it was them because I was pretty young. But if there ever were an airline to do it, it would be the Devi’s Chariot. We landed with firetrucks surrounding the runway in preparation for a possible fiery landing.
NOT THIS TIME SATAN! NOT. THIS. TIME!
Of course this post is somewhat useless, since I’m not really telling you who the Devil’s Chariot is. I know, I know, whattabitch. But I have to protect myself, the Devil’s Chariot is the type of airline that will come for ya in the middle of the night. In fact, I expect to see them starring as the perp on Law and Order: SVU sometime soon. Can’t wait to watch Olivia Benson destroy them, Besides, one person’s Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings is another’s Devil’s Chariot. That’s how the saying goes right?
But I wish YOU the best of luck in all your air travel, and hope you only experience your Majestic Sparkle Unicorn Wings. And I’m very curious to hear if any of you have any notable airline stories!
I share my ride on Satan's Carriage!