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The Fruit Meister and the Failed RBF

The Fruit Meister and the Failed RBF

The past few Summers, Christmases and Spring Breaks have been spent living it up in New York City.

Why?

For one, it’s New York City! Where else can you get the perfect smoothie, a gourmet steak, an unwanted touch, any type of haircut, or practice your favorite athletic activity, all at any time of day or night?

Also, it’s where my boyfriend works, and when you’re working your butt off to make a long distance relationship work, you spend as many vacation days that you can with them.

One warm day this past Summer, my boyfriend and I were walking the streets by his work during his lunch break. He pointed out a fruit vendor he had been telling me about who sang about his fruits. It was a pretty catchy song and made many of the grumpy New Yorkers walking by smile. Turns out, he also has a pretty big following, people call him the Fruit Meister*.

A couple of days later on my way to meet my boyfriend after work, I stopped by his stand and bought some fruit, we made a little chit chat. He seemed like a nice man, a little odd, but nice.

 A REALLY bad picture of me with some fruit. But hey, this is a fruit themed post. Yes, the internet says pumpkins are fruit. No, I did not buy this pumpkin from the Fruit Meister.

A REALLY bad picture of me with some fruit. But hey, this is a fruit themed post. Yes, the internet says pumpkins are fruit. No, I did not buy this pumpkin from the Fruit Meister.

Now fast forward to December 2016.

My boyfriend and I had just finished up our anniversary dinner, (thank you Majestic Sparkling Unicorn Wings for getting me there) and were heading to go see NYCB’s Nutcracker. We were waiting for the subway, when I saw someone who looked familiar talking to a group of women while they waited for the train.

“Isn’t that the Fruit Meister?” I asked my boyfriend.

He replied that it could be, but he was a bit distracted as he had begun to realize that he had left his credit card at the restaurant. Turns out, he did leave his card. I was in heels and did not want to walk the 10 blocks back to the restaurant, so I decided to sit and wait in the station while he ran on ahead.

Bad choice.

The man who looked like the Fruit Meister caught my eye from where I was sitting and I naively smiled at him.

Yes, I frickin’ smiled! It was second nature because I’m a friendly person and I’d only been in the City for less than 24 hours and still had that small town friendliness. I was embarrassed that I was the one looking at someone else in a crowded NYC subway, so I looked down. There had been at least two or three subways that had come since I had first seen him, and that made me a bit uneasy. But I told myself I was being nuts.

As I looked up again, this man who I now was definitely sure was the Fruit Meister, was sitting down next to me.

What happens next is pure stupidity folks. Feel free to laugh at me or tell me how dumb I am, because I know. Yes, without a doubt, men shouldn’t do what the Fruit Meister is about to do, but I as a woman, should have been more intelligent.

As the Fruit Meister sat down, to his glee, I word vomited ALL over him.

“AREN”T YOU THE FRUIT MEISTER?”

I practically screamed it at him, but he wasn’t fazed. He got super excited and responded.

“Oh, you recognize me, you’ve made my year! Oh this is so wonderful!”

And then he proceeded to envelop me in a big bear hug. 

I know less about this man than my mailman’s sister’s child. This was WEEEIRD.

People were walking by looking at us like we were nut jobs (close enough), while I shot pleading looks at passerby's from him arms. He pulled back from the hug and kept going on about how life was beautiful and that I had made his whole year. He started hugging me again and kissing me on my cheek. Then he got out his phone to take a picture of us together.

 Continuing with the pumpkin theme... how I think I looked as the Fruit Meister was hugging me.

Continuing with the pumpkin theme... how I think I looked as the Fruit Meister was hugging me.

By this point I suddenly snapped back into reality and realized that this should not be happening and was NOT OKAY. I got up and got ready to bolt, but somehow I couldn’t escape his conversation. Yes, if I had rudely walked away I’d be fine, but I forgot that this was NYC and doing that wasn’t considered rude if someone was bothering you. He then asked for my number and I gave him a fake name and number and backstory. At least I did one thing right. 

I finally insisted I had to leave because I had to meet someone, but he kept insisting that he lived close by. And he had the Uber app. And why not? Life is beautiful.

ICK

Common sense kicked in and I ran out of that subway station. But now the problem was that I had to wait for my boyfriend. I couldn’t go too far off because I was worried he wouldn’t find me and not check his phone. After all, he hadn’t seen my million SOS texts I’d been sending. Standing outside a McDonald’s, I was praying that the Fruit Meister would not come back out the subway and that my boyfriend would show up soon.

HA

My luck doesn’t work that way.

 Ghost Kitty knows the horrors to come. He's also mortified that his mom could be so dumb.

Ghost Kitty knows the horrors to come. He's also mortified that his mom could be so dumb.

Low and behold, out walks the Fruit Meister and sees me standing there. He immediately starts up his “life is beautiful” plea, then starts making more aggressive small talk and offering me a napkin because he sees my nose is running. I put it in my pocket to throw out later, I worry that it's possibly chloroformed. Finally, I see my boyfriend running in the distance. He shows up and starts in on the conversation thinking I was just chatting with a friend. He had not read my texts and didn’t know what a creeper this man was. Plus he’s a guy, so he can talk to anyone and be fine. The Fruit Meister also changed his demeanor when my boyfriend showed up, like they were two old bros catching up.

Sometimes I hate men.

I requested an Uber and my boyfriend was a bit confused, but I adamantly insisted that we were going to be VERY late if we didn’t get in an Uber THISVERYMINUTE NOWNOWNOW!

In the Uber I explained to my boyfriend what had happened and was eventually able to laugh about it. But I still can’t believe I was so dumb! After that experience, I can assure you that my RBF is a scary one. It gets turned on a lot now, and since that uncomfortable night, I have not had any problems. It does not fail me now. 

Well, I guess it couldn't have failed me before when I didn't have it to begin with...

It still peeves me that the Fruit Meister changed his demeanor when my boyfriend showed up. So it’s okay to bother a woman who is obviously uncomfortable, but as soon as you find out she has a boyfriend, you back off? That’s not cool.

But still, women please be smart. Way smarter that I was. And men, for Pete’s sake, DON”T BE PRICKS!

 

 

*name changed 

Minion and Banana Photo Courtesy ofMinion Land © 2017

Slammin Lammon and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Gluten.

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