Slammin Lammon and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Gluten.
The picture above is what happens when you ignore your food intolerances.
My whole life I have been a very healthy person on the allergy front. There’s a possible penicillin allergy that was discovered when I was like 5, but the doctor wasn’t 100% I was reacting to it because all I got was a rash. When I asked recently if I could get it tested to see if I really, truly am allergic to it, the doctor laughed in my face. I guess exposing yourself to potentially life threatening substances is not something normal, sane people do…
I also was VERY allergic to cats. I’m talking itchy body, swollen red eyes, hard to breathe, runny nose, the basic terrible symptoms.
Oh yeah, you’re not mistaken, I live with two cats.
The weird thing was, those cat allergies only surfaced after we had to put down the cat I had been raised with. We put that cat down when I was 10, and he was 17, yet SOMEHOW I developed an allergy to my favorite animal. When I’d go to visit my grandmother I’d experience terrible reactions to her cats and would dope myself up on Benadryl. I was very itchy and very tired of it. (HAHAHAHAHA)
These symptoms continued even after I adopted my two cats. To this day I still occasionally get itchy or red if they’ve scratched me, which they do a lot, cat’s can be assholes. But I’ve pretty much forced the allergy out of my system.
Yeah, I’m pretty hardcore.
Or just really obsessed with cats.
This is also why I won’t ever accept your excuse that you’re allergic to cats. You can train yourself out of it.
You gotta want it.
Maybe I’m allergic to your bullshit, but I still hang out with you.
See how this works?
Anyway, back on track….
This Fall I started developing some digestive issues, let me just say that there were times my friends did NOT want me around!
“Smell ya later!”
I really wanted to give Pinnertest a try and see if I was intolerant to any foods that could be causing my issues. Finally after scoring a special Thanksgiving code I ordered a kit and took the test. I received my results a week and a half later, and it turns out, I have an intolerance to wheat, chicken and peanuts! This was so surprising because I do consume all three on a pretty regular basis. It kinda made sense though, any time I would have chicken or bread, I’d eat plenty to fill me up, but I would still feel hungry, a common symptom of food intolerance.
I’m sure you’re bored out of your mind by now and wondering when the part where you get to laugh at me is coming up.
Oh it’s coming alright.
Now the whole month of January I decided that I was going to cut those three things out my diet and see if it made a big impact on me. Instead of peanut butter, I’d enjoy sunflower or almond butter. Chicken was replaced with turkey, and gluten free bread and wraps found their way into my fridge. I was doing REALLY well. Occasionally I’d slip up, like when I got sick and all I wanted was matzo ball soup. Or when my boyfriend had brought home a really yummy cookie and I wanted to try some. I started to notice that the days I did have those forbidden foods, I’d feel a little nauseous and sluggish. It was mainly the gluten that caused my issues, so I stayed AWAY!
Then the last day of my mom’s visit to New York hit. It was just like any other Sunday of a wanna be New Yorker. It started off with brunch at a local restaurant where I had an eggs Benedict (GLUTEN!), then after dropping my mother of at the train station I snacked on some of my boyfriend’s leftover gourmet pizza (GLUTEN!) and then finished the day off on the couch where my boyfriend and I ate our takeout Indian food, complete with delicious Tandoori Chicken and garlic naan (GLUTEN! CHICKEN! DEATH!).
The next morning I woke up not feeling super great, but also not too terrible. I went off to take a Pilates class before my ballet class. I did both the Pilates and ballet classes perfectly fine, then went off to grab a smoothie because I wasn’t really feeling that hot and that was all I could stomach at the moment. Later, I went to a SoulCycle ride because they were having a super great theme ride I didn’t want to miss. After, I headed off to meet my boyfriend when he got done with work for the day. I had slowly started feeling worse throughout the day, and now I was to the point where I felt like I was going to throw up. Several times I could tell I would have thrown up if I had any food in my stomach, but because I felt too off to eat anything, there was nothing to regurgitate.
I keep thinking, what if I had drunk more water, would I feel better? Isn’t that the key to life? If you feel bad, drink more water. If you have a headache, drink more water. If you want to lose weight, drink more water. If you want a boyfriend, drink more water. If you want to rid the world of all political drama…
You get the point.
By the time I got to my boyfriend’s work I was starting to get really bad stomach cramps. Of course, him being male, he asked me if I thought I was getting my period. I think I somehow managed to squeak out a nice enough reply that it wasn’t, while yelling expletives in my head. Why do most men think that women don’t know whether or not it’s their uterus causing the pain. Please trust me on this, not like this idiot.
“Are you sure you’re giving birth? You didn’t just forget to chew the watermelon?”
The horrendously painful cramps proceeded to get worse to the point where I was moaning in pain. It hurt to walk, I wanted to vomit and pass out and thought I was dying.
Okay, maybe thats a bit of an exaggeration, but still, it was baaad.
My weird animalistic sounds fit right in on the streets of NYC. Somehow I managed to survive the train ride back to Jersey and get in a cab back home. As I exited the cab upon arrival to our destination, the cabby noticed I wasn’t looking so hot and asked my boyfriend and me what was wrong. As my boyfriend paid him, he told him that I was feeling sick. This somehow turned into 20 Questions while the cabby tried to learn every detail about what was wrong with me.
Yes Mr. Taximan, please ask the sick woman more about what’s bothering her, your extensive medical knowledge would be really helpful in this situation.
I rudely slammed the door and went to go slither up the steps of the apartment.
The second I got in the door I ripped off my shoes, then dropped straight into the fetal position on the cold, hard, tile floor. I think at this point my boyfriend realized I wasn’t faking it.
No, I wasn’t man sick.
I eventually changed into pajamas and crawled into bed and later tried to eat some rice and veggies. Biggest struggle of my life. I think my cats wanted to eat the rice and veggies more than I did.
Does anyone have that issue where their cats are really interested in eating the weirdest things? This was just rice and veggies. Maybe I have vegan cats?
That night I got some of the worst sleep I’ve ever gotten, filled with plenty of weird dreams and uncomfortable stomach pains. I guess I shouldn’t have expected to sleep when there were little elves wearing stilettos jigging around my stomach.
Yes, I’m sure it was my stomach and not my uterus.
The next day I spent almost the whole day in bed. I felt like I’d been hit by a cab!
Well, I had a few days earlier. He was counting his money and started to drive, without looking up to see that I was crossing IN THE CROSSWALK.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
But that’s not why I felt so bad.
It was that damn gluten.
Since then I have eaten a little bit of gluten, but nothing like I had before.
I’m not a sadist.
And I’m sure that there’s someone out there reading this who believes that the reason I felt so sick was because I did so much exercising, and that that’s not a healthy thing to do and I need to go eat a Snickers because I must have been hungry, and you’re not you when you’re hungry!
Hey, calm your tits.
I am very in touch with my body and know what I can and can not handle. Granted, that doesn’t mean I always do the right thing, but in this instance, this amount of activity was fine. Pursuing a professional ballet career means I dance a lot and am very active. You know the Kendrick Lamar song “Swimming Pools”? “Sit down, drank, stand up, drank. Pass out, drank, wake up, drank.” Just replace drank with dance, and you have my life. To put it in to civilian terms; pilates, a ballet class and a SoulCycle ride are like only watching a third of a Netflix season.
But long story short, I’ve learned that food intolerances are a thing and cat allergies are not.