Do You Even Tinder?!
Figuring out what I'm going to be doing with my life is giving me just a little bit more time to write...
Just a little bit more...
Of course, I could be sharing an ode to cats, or how much I despise the Devil's Chariot and the way they beat more than just the competition's prices. But all of that is old news, and you deserve more than that!
Being an adult means that I can do things like impulse by Easter stuffed animals without having to convince my mom to buy them for me. As you can see by the picture of me with the bunny, I miss my mom and got the mama and baby bunny.
Being an adult also means I can go on Tinder dates...
Therefore, I decided to write about the one and only time I went on a Tinder date.
WHAT?!?! I TINDER?!?! ERMAHGHERD!!!
Actually, I don't. I'm boring and met someone the old fashion way, but I have nothing against anyone who does. You live your life!
So I have personally never Tindered, but I have a good friend who was in the market for a boyfriend and sought help from the app.
Let's call her Sunny Double D.
Now Sunny had been chatting with this guy through the app for awhile. He seemed to be asking the right questions and like he might be a good match and he had offered to pay for all drinks the first date (what a plus!). She agreed to go on a date with this man, and it was decided that they would go to a local bar called District 5.
Sunny would get picked up from my house, because she was staying with me due to life preventing her from not living at her place for a week.
Good job Alex, have the strange Tinder man come to your place. If he was a legit psycho you'd be dead or stalked by now. REEEEEAL SMART!
Our other friend Veronica came over, because like true girls, we can't do anything outside of our wolf pack. We were going to meet the man and see Sunny off, then head over to Shyndigz, the local dessert only restaurant and have a girl date of cake.
Conveniently, it was right across the street from the Date Site.
The Tinder date, arrived outside my apartment.
From here on out, let's refer to him as the Ass-Hat Muskrat.
The name is a very descriptive of how he looks.
Yeah, you can tell which way this date is heading.
The car Ass-Hat Muskrat was driving clearly led us to infer that his, er, family jewels, if you catch my drift, were something of the minuscule variety. The car was a brand spanking new, two door, hot red Audi.
After he pulled up, he didn't really get out of the car, just kinda douche-bagaly grunted at Sunny to hop in the car. In hind-sight, I believe that it was to hide his hairline.
Veronica and I were both outside to meet this guy, observe all details of his persona, jot down his license plate, place a tracking device on his car...I've seen every single episode of Law and Order:SVU, I know to be prepared.
Ass-Hat Muskrat did not seem to be too pleased with two more GORGEOUS and STUNNING ladies (if I do say so myself) coming outside to meet him, which meant he rudely asked if we wanted to come along on the date.
He hopped out of his car to pull the seats back and show that there was room in the back for the two of us to come along with him and Sunny. He was a complete a-hole about it and kept insisting in a very mocking way.
"There's space for both of you to come join your friend"
Me thinky that Ass-Hat Muskrat decided we were all desperate and was gunning for a foursome.
Let's go over the top 5 things that I would rather do than have a foursome, nay, SPEND TIME with this loser.
- Fly United. You know I hate this airline already. If you don't, then read this
- Walk behind a slow group of tourists on a NYC sidewalk
- Spend holiday weekends going through TSA. Yes, please pull out my tampons and swab them for explosives and drugs, and don't you DARE judge me for the snack foods I bring on the plane.
- Call my insurance (it's government run so talking to someone who works for it is like herding cats down a hill with all your appendages tied together, you get nowhere fast.)
- Drive in the left lane behind a car going at or under the speed limit. I WILL RIDE YOUR TAIL UNTIL YOU GET OVER. LEFT IS FOR PASSING YOU HALF-BRAINED NITWIT.
Have I established my dislike for Ass-Hat Muskrat?
And I haven't even really had a conversation with this man.
He slithered back into his Audi, probably to hide his receding hairline and aged face, and Sunny joined him, and they headed off on their date.
I have absolutely ZERO issues with balding or age. You didn't choose your genetics, and wrinkles merely show that you've lived life. What I do have an issue with, is being a deceptive little serpent. Personally, I feel like your dating profile should reflect you. You can take hot photos if you're bald. It's a complete turn-off to be expecting Fabio and meet a Gru. I'm sure you're a great person, but you've already deceived me and I'm WAAAY less in to you.
The pictures Ass-Hat Muskrat had used on Tinder must have been from 5 years ago. Or he just had a really bad haircut and face mask.
Ass-Hat Muskrat and Sunny sped off to their date, and Veronica and I eagerly hustled off to engorge ourselves on cake.
We received a few texts from Sunny that she was doing just fine. I had set her alarms to periodically go off telling her to "text Alex and Veronica so they knew she wasn't dead in a ditch." She was fine and we needed to chill TF out.
On our way home, we drove by the bar, very slowly and like we were about to have a gang bang. We saw the car parked outside, (I double checked the license plate just in case this was a douchebag hot spot) and we thought we saw the two of them sitting at the bar. We were excited to get home and start binge watching some Gossip Girl, Veronica hadn't seen it before and was super stoked to start!
We were just pulling in to my parking space, when Veronica got a call from Sunny. It went something like this:
S.D.D.:"Do you guys want to come join us at the bar"
V: "No, we're good, we're going to watch Gossip Girl!"
S.D.D.: "Are you sure? You're more than welcome to come. You're REALLY invited to come"
V: "Nah, we're good. See you later"
After we thought about it for a bit, we realized this was Sunny's desperate plea to ask us to come save her. So, being the amazing friends that we are, we hurriedly changed into less scrubby outfits and headed to District 5 on our rescue mission.
Are we stars of a post-apocalyptic thriller or what?
As we entered the bar, we saw the couple sitting at the end of the bar. He was intently leaning towards her, rambling on about something without letting her get a word in edge wise. She was leaned as far away from him as possible.
As we sat down, Ass-Hat Muskrat immediately verbally jumped on us, brandishing Sunny's Harvard lanyard in our faces and exclaiming how didn't we think that she should apply for Harvard? And that he would pay her application fee, and fly her out to Boston. Now is the time to go for it!
LIES I TELL YOU.
The bartender was laughing at this guy so hard, he knew what a D-bag he was. The bartender was really the only good thing about the night.
Ass-Hat Muskrat just went on and on about how Sunny should quit her pursuit of being an artist and do something more practical. When he was talking about dance he said, "you can always go back."
This continued on for awhile while we "enjoyed" listening to him mansplain to us about how to properly live ones life.
He also tried to guess her weight.
He told me that I should quit ballet for a few years to get a college degree and then go back to dancing.
Veronica tried to smite him with her eyes...
Finally, Veronica and I were so disgusted with him, that I set my alarm to go off and read "CAT MEDICINE" to have an excuse to book it out of there.
Yes, I used my cats to escape. I'm such a terrible Mom.
We stood up and waited for Sunny to say her goodbyes. But she motioned us over in a look of panic. She had left her card at home, he had told her he would pay for everything and that she wouldn't need her card. Now, he was refusing to pay, saying he never pays on the first date, even though there is textual evidence of him stating the opposite.
He paid for his drinks and split.
Sunny was a little panicked at first, that's what happens when you have to deal with an asshole and are slightly tipsy, but I just paid for it on my card and we left too.
Not before noticing that the bartender had split the cost of her drinks in half. It looks like there is some good in the world, Ass-Hat Muskrat paid for his drinks and at least half of Sunny's. He even shared some banter with us about how much of an a-hole Ass-Hat Muskrat was.
I told you the bartender was the best part of the night.
We returned to my home and laughed about the date for the rest of the night. Sunny sent her "date" an angry text about the drinks and proof that he had offered to pay for them. He responded with some weird garbled response that mimicked an ostrich with it's head in the sand.
Sure, she probably shouldn't have texted him in the first place, but that's what being the victim of mansplaining will do to you.
But, this story does have a happy ending. Sunny met a man (the old fashioned way) and now they are happily dating and very much in love. It's been over a year now and he always tells her she's beautiful and wants her to pursue and do whatever makes her happy.
I'm sure the bartender is also still out being a great guy.
You go Glenn Coco.