Slammin Lammon Ages 20 Years After 24 Hours of CATastrophic Hell
My cats are my children. So they have to have their moments of EXTREME brattiness. That’s how my week started.
Sunday evening I was cleaning out my closet, (thanks Anna Sundquist and Mrs. Jane Younger for all the help!) and had moved my large 4 foot tall mirror next to my closet for better light and access while I tried on clothes.
The mirror was a bit wobbly, but I had to leave it where it was because the timer for my food had just gone off. I was planning to go back and fix it and put it in a more secure spot. After I pulled my food out from my oven I was going to go RIGHT BACK.
That’s less than 2 minutes of time gone.
I was in the kitchen for no more than 30 seconds, when I heard a huge crash.
I knew exactly what had happened…
I calmly walked back in to my room to see my mirror resting on the edge of my bed. SOME HOW it had been knocked over, hit the edge of my bed and shattered into a million and five pieces.
So that's about 7 million years of bad luck for whoever knocked it over right? Dear Lord, don't let it be me who gets the bad luck!
The next 30 minutes were spent picking up all the glass pieces and cleaning up the floor. Although I did manage to get several glass cuts.
Indy was obviously the culprit because he and King had been in my room when the accident had happened. Indy was hiding under my bed, and when he finally came out he had the most sheepish, guilty look on his face. He also came over and gave me guilty rubs...
It was a bad ending to an otherwise great day, but little did I know it was actually a terrible start to a CATastrophic 24 hours.
Monday started off pretty average. I woke up really early for some reason, but felt very refreshed and rested. I got up and went on a run which was fairly easy because I’m still easing myself back in to it.
Things started going a bit south when I went to Target to get toilet paper and a few other things, but walked out with paper towels. Somehow I managed to grab the wrong thing and didn't notice I was buying a 16 pack of PAPER TOWELS!
Monday was also vet time for King Kong and Indy. King Kong needed his adoption follow up appointment and Indy was due for his rabies and distemper shots.
I decided that I was going to take them to the vet in the same travel carrier since the vet is attached to the shelter and I didn’t want them to think that I was taking them back to the shelter.
This is what happens when I'm a nice and thoughtful person...
It took me a good 20 minutes and about 20 new scratches to get King Kong into the carrier.
Before I went to put Indy in it, I had to take off my white shirt and clean the blood off it so it wouldn’t stain it…
My arms now look like I either partake in self-harm or got in a fight with a weed whacker.
Even my scratches have scratches now…
I then grabbed Indy and stuffed him in to the carrier. He’s momma’s little stoner and is totally chill with everything I do to him, although he kinda always seen a tad bit anxious or paranoid.
I grabbed the carrier, locked the back door and headed out down the steps and through my back yard.
I was halfway across my back yard when all of a sudden the bottom of the carrier came disconnected from the top and fell to the ground with a crash.
Both cats CATapulted out of the carrier and took off running in opposite directions. King ran under the back porch and Indy took off down the side alley towards the front of my house and where the road is.
I swear, this is the first and only time I’ve ever seen them run that fast!
Immediately I started shaking and went in to panic mode. I dropped my purse and coffee and grabbed my keys and sprinted up to my door to un-lock it. Then I ran under the porch to grab King who was yowling and padding around in a panic underneath. I picked him up with ease and then ran up the steps to put him in the house.
But, because I was panicking as I ran up the steps, he freaked out and started clawing me.
Cue more bloody scratches.
I then ran around the side of my house to the front, praying that Indy had enough sense in his pot addled brain to not run out into the street. I had just enough time to see a little Indy butt wriggling through the posts on the fence of my front porch. I picked him up and he immediately curled up into me, shaking, and I ran back into the house and put him down.
Then I set myself down to calm the massive heart attack I was in the process of having.
When I was done losing years off my life, I went out back to collect the carrier, my purse, and my coffee mug that somehow hadn’t spilled! (Thanks Ahna for the bomb Christmas gift) As I was walking back into my apartment, my neighbor’s cat, who had just witnessed the whole CATastrophe and was sitting on the railing on the back deck, swatted at me and hissed. I must admit this was the only time I’ve had sheer hatred towards a cat.
F@*k you too cat.
Now I had a new task ahead of me, get both terrified and traumatized cats back in the carrier.
How many of you like to extract honey from a beehive with your bare hands?
What about stick an open wound in shark infested waters?
Attempt a backflip for the first ever time on cement?
Cut your hair with fire?
Yeah I thought so.
That’s how I felt about CATching these two and putting them back in a carrier. A new carrier that is, because no way in Hell was I going to put them in the previously malfunctioning carrier.
I grabbed King first, because for some reason he was still out and about and roaming around the house. He still had trust in his mommy.
That’s gone now!
I crammed King back in the carrier, luckily with none of his limbs being disloCATed, but my limbs being heavily scratched and mastiCATed.
Next was Indy, who was nowhere to be found.
Mayday, on the other hand, was hiding under the bed. He thought I’d be going for him, for once I wasn’t, and when I went to grab him to pull him out of the bed so I could check to see if Indy was under the bed, he hissed, growled and batted at me.
I love my cats. I love my cats. I love my cats. I love my cats. I love my cats. I love my cats….
Using food, I was finally able to lure Indy out from under his hiding spot under the couch. It took awhile to get him out though. This was surprising, because he’s such a little stoner and always has the munchies.
We were already late for the vet, so grabbing the bottom of the carrier, (I learned my lesson last time) I took them out to the car, strapped them in, then headed off to the vet.
After I had parked my car and was starting to walk towards the front door, the door to THIS carrier came off inwardly.
I should have just stayed in bed this whole Monday….
I struggled to pull open the two sets of doors AND prevent that cats from leaping out. I tipped the carrier on its back so that the doorway was facing straight up in the air. Both cats slid to the bottom and looked even more terrified.
If I make it out of this day without giving my cats serious mental problems it’ll be nothing short of a miracle.
Finally the staff noticed I was in distress and I was quickly escorted into an exam room where the kitters eventually climbed out and explored the room.
The highlight of my trip there was finding out that King had lost 3 pounds, he was down to 13lbs from the 16lbs I adopted him at and the 19.7lbs he was at when he was surrendered to the shelter! Now I felt less guilty about being that ass-hole mom who pulls away their fat kid’s food to make sure they stick to their diet.
Now all the fur babies are safe at home and I'm praying I don't accidentally open up one of my MANY MANY wounds.
Yes, that's Slammin Lammon. No, it's not ground meat.
Hope you survived Monday better than I did!