Sometimes You Need A Dumpster Fire to Discover What You Really Need in Life
Hello Friends! Like usual, I’ve taken a big break from writing. It’s not intentional at all, I love writing and posting, but sometimes I don’t prioritize self care or things that I need. It’s so easy to think that something you need to be more relaxed, happier, a better functioning person and so on, is just you being needy and sensitive. We’ve been taught that emotions usually aren’t a good thing and are a sign of weakness.
DON’T LET ANYONE KNOW YOU’RE HUMAN! HIDE YO FEELINGS, HIDE YO STRIFE, 'CAUSE AIN’T NO ONE GOT TIME FOR THAT!
Well loyal Slammin’ Lammon readers, your very own Slammin Lammon is the weakest of them all.
I cry over lots of things, throw tantrums when I'm tired or hungry, throw things when I'm angry. Guys, I'm an absolute mess!
But enough on my feelings...
Today is a bit of a dumpster fire of a piece. It had a bit of structure, but then many things got thrown in: incomplete thoughts, messy emotions, some of last night’s dinner and possibly some punctuation that’s BUSTED. So naturally, I just lit it all on fire and threw it on the web for you to read!
So bear with me, maybe this post has a point, maybe it’s just shit. But isn’t that how we feel about life sometimes?
Originally, this post was going to be all about gratitude, and it certainly will still have aspects of that, but when I started writing, another message started creeping out from behind the keys like a creature in a B-List Halloween movie.
Don’t worry though, I’m a grateful little shit and am certainly planning on a post about grattitude. But doesn't it seem more on brand for that to pop up around Thanksgiving? Or at least November…
Like I said, I’m a grateful little shit. Not a day goes by where I don’t pause for at least a moment to appreciate what I have. Working in Manhattan, having an amazing job and coworkers, dating a man who I love (and who also keeps life interesting), getting to pursue things that interest me, a strong network of supportive family and friends, a sound body that can be agile for whatever I need it for, and many many many more things are all on my gratitude list
It’s so easy to take the rest of the moments of your day to think about things that you want. Wanting more sleep, a better body, a higher paying job, powerful and famous friends, a bigger home, more money, a more attractive partner… the list never ends.
Of course you can have dreams and goals, but where does a dream end and being a spoiled brat begin? How do you know you’ve been sucked into a life of want? Always wanting the next best thing, having an iPhone 7 and still getting an 8 just because it’s newer, even though it’s practically the same phone.
Sometimes, on the quest for want, we don’t balance out what we want with what we need.
No, I’m not talking about needing a nicer apartment to be happy or a fancy home espresso machine to get you the coffee you need to attack the day.
I’m talking about things that feed the soul.
Fun fact: Did you know that Goldman Sachs created a restriction on their interns that they couldn’t work in the office from 2am to 5am?
Interns were actually working all night, no doubt to get ahead and prove their worth, but also probably lighting their souls and well being on fire with a flamethrower…
I heard from someone who used to be in that sort of life that they would have to keep shirts in their office because they wouldn’t have time to go home and change after an evening of working and drinking away their stress.
Yeah, me too, sooo much rather live out of an office than my home….
What kind of life is that?
Perhaps for some people that’s an incredibly fulfilling life, eternal sleep deprivation and exhaustion, a cycle from being hungover to being drunk, never feeling like you will be able to achieve anything worthwhile and always pushing ahead, no real emotional connections to anyone and poor to non-existent health. Sign me up!
Now I’m sure most of you reading this do not suffer from this kind of life. You probably already have a pretty balanced life, nothing major out of wack, or maybe you don’t even realize you’re horribly out of balance.
Let’s use good ole Slammon as an example.
I do a lot. I work a full time job, workout to feed my soul, take ballet class to get in shape for Nutcracker (YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT! I'M GOING TO ALASKA TO GUEST IN THE NUTCRACKER AT MY HOME STUDIO AHHH!! MESSAGE ME IF YOU WANT DEETS), run errands and try to clean, spend time with my boyfriend, meal prep and commute.
Notice what’s missing?
First off, self care. I don’t really budget time to sit down and have time to myself to do what I need. Maybe it’s a bath, maybe meditation, finish reading the book I’ve been trying to read for months or write a blog post. I will push myself to take another ballet class because I haven’t taken one in a few days, however, I won’t listen to my body and I’ll still take class even if I’m exhausted, mentally and physically, and can’t stand on my feet without pain.
The second thing that's missing from my day to day life, is connecting with friends. Sure, I am a bit of an extroverted introvert meaning I love to socialize and meet new people or hang with friends, but I need my time to recharge. Oh hey, recharge, it’s like I JUST talked about needing to spend more time for myself. You would think that I would have made the change by now…
But I truly feel a void in my life as far as “doing stuff” goes.
In the past, at the darkest times of my eating disorder, I would make excuses to not go out because I didn’t want to be around food or not get enough sleep and then mess up my metabolism. I would feel lonely and like I was missing out.
Now, I will often turn down doing things because I live in Hoboken. The commute can be like how you feel when you have low blood sugar, not so fun to deal with, exhausted and wondering when you can shove food into your mouth. If I go out, it takes me at least an hour to get into the city and then get back. Even longer late at night and EEEEEVEN longer on weekends. Also, if I have stuff, do I lug it around? Or go home and drop it off? I guess I can also go out without showering or appropriate clothes because I don't want to go home to change…
I know I need to suck it up. Yes, I need my sleep and to take care of myself if that’s what I need, but I also crave deeper connections with my friends.
One of my best friends lives in the city and I’ve gotten to spend time with her, maybe three times since she moved here.
Seriously, WTF Alex?
Would going out to dinner with her at least twice a month really mess with your life?
NO, it wouldn’t!
The last time I had dinner with her, I walked away feeling so grateful for my time with her and was so excited to see her again, yet, I haven’t “found the time” to meet her again.
Is it really because of the commute and the worry of lack of sleep? Is that what I’m prioritizing right now?
I partially feel that the reason why I haven’t been able to write posts recently is because I don’t feel like anything exciting is happening in my life. I do the same things everyday: work, workout, head home and watch Netflix before passing out.
I stayed out late the other night and woke up so fulfilled and happy, granted, I was tired, but I was happy.
Before I moved to the city in June, I was binge watching Sex and the City to get me excited about my new life. I’ve always been inspired by Carrie Bradshaw, but now I think it’s time to take this inspiration to a whole new level.
It’s time to ask myself WWCD?
Carrie is a smart and strong woman who loves her friends and is always ready to go out on the town and explore. Because of that, she lives a fulfilling and fun life that she's always writing about. Her life is never boring or monotonous and she’ll definitely die one day without any regrets of living life. She takes time for herself to write, buy more shoes and clothes she doesn’t need and do whatever else she needs, but she still is there for her friends and ready to have a good time. She isn’t afraid to eat a pretzel or drink a little wine and stay out until the sun rises. Life is for living and coffee is for getting you going after you do the living.
So today oh blog reader, I am committing to you to be more of a Carrie, but still 100% a Slammon.
Not just because I would like an interesting life, but because I want to share a connection with everyone around me, yes, even the screaming man on the subway… I don’t want to miss out on my friend's lives and grow farther apart from them, and I want to have exciting content to share with the world, because blogging feeds my soul and is the ultimate self care. Netflix will always be there for me, and we’ll leave it at that.
Like I said, this post was a bit of a dumpster fire and I didn't know where it was going to go until after I was done writing it, but I think it took me the exact place I needed to go. I now know more about what I need in my life and how to get closer to the ideal life that I want.
Now think, is there anything in your life you want more of? Organization? Sleep? Self care? Fitness? What do you want to add to your life to make feed your soul and fulfill you deeper than a material object can. I would love to hear it either in person, or by email or in the comments below.
I’ll see you out and about, get ready to have more Slammin Lammon in your life!
About the heading picture: The photo was taken by Kerong Kelly (@kerong.christina) who is an amazing photographer. I was drawn to these stairs because they looked like Carrie Bradshaw's house. After taking this picture we continued walking down the street and two houses away was the one they used to film Carrie's house in Sex and the City. It looked identical to the one we had just photographed but it was roped off. Funny how life works.